The Ten(der) Commandments: “God’s Fence Around Our Marriage”
Exodus 20:14
Have you ever watched a rodeo cowboy hanging for dear life on the back of a Brahma bull? When that bull swings his massive head and shoulders and sends the rider into the air - and then into the dirt - that cowboy’s natural instincts kick in, and he begins to run toward the fence as fast as he can go. After scaling the barrier in one bound and finding it between him and two thousand pounds of raging bull, he feels pretty good about that old fence. He might even lean over and give it a kiss. He’s mighty glad it’s there.
Why should a rodeo cowboy love a fence? Because that fence is there to keep the raging bull at bay.
Friends, all of us need fences in our lives to protect us from the dangers around. That is what God’s commandments do for us. They put a barrier between us and things in life which would destroy us. The commandments help keep the raging bulls at bay.
Truthfully, most of us don’t like commands. We don’t like to be told we can’t do something. People tend to say, “I’ll do what I want to do. It’s my life. I can live it any way I want to.” “Surely it will be OK just this once.” If there’s a fence sign that says, “Keep out,” we’re tempted to cross over anyway. If God says, “You shall not!” we act as if it is really none of God’s business.
Oh, but friends, it is God’s business. God loves people like you and me so much that he long ago made for us a list of restrictions
to protect us from things that could be so destructive to our lives and the lives of those we love. The seventh out of ten is simple
and straightforward: “You shall not commit adultery.” God knows that the consequences of adultery go on and on, growing in their
destructive intensity, and impacting generation after generation.
I don’t watch much TV, but I’ve seen enough to know that on any given evening I shouldn’t be shocked to encounter a constant parade of seduction and suggestive sexual encounters. Virtually every sitcom is riddled with immorality, seduction, and flirtation. It’s adultery, plain and simple. Of course, Hollywood makes it all appear so romantic, exciting, fulfilling, and even funny. At the same time, they carefully airbrush away the inevitable shame, deceit, betrayal, ugliness, and hurt.
People who see these make-believe encounters over and over may begin to think, “My life is so dull. So unromantic. Where is the music? Where is the laughter? Maybe this is what I need. Maybe this is what will fulfill me.” Those TV dramas rarely show, however, the tears and hurt that follows in real life after such an affair. Somehow we fool ourselves into believing that it will be easier for us. After all, it feels so right!
Friends, it is time to lay it on the line: adultery always hurts people. One experienced marriage counselor took the time to actually list the agonizing consequences of yielding to the temptation of adultery. Here’s what he came up with:
I will inflict untold hurt on my wife, who is my best friend and has been faithful to me. I will lose her respect, love, and trust. I will destroy my beloved daughters. All their lives, they will
hurt if I do this. I might lose my wife and children forever. I will shame my family....my parents....my siblings. I will destroy my example and credibility. I will lose my own self-respect.
Wise man. To return to an earlier picture, he is standing securely and safely behind a high, white fence, while a powerful enemy bent on destruction seeks for him on the other side. The fence that once seemed so restrictive now seems very, very beautiful to him. It seems like life itself.
God wants to protect us from this emotional harm by giving us this law, this fence:
“You shall not commit adultery.” Proverbs 6:32 says,“A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.”
The evidence proves this to be true.
Some will say, “I’ve never committee adultery and never would. This just doesn’t apply to me. Really! Can you still say that
after remembering Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:27-28? “You have heard that it was said, to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Who among us hasn’t failed the Lord in this area of mental adultery? The truth is, the real battle in our lives is the battle of the heart. That’s where it begins. An affair begins to play itself out in the heart long before it occurs in real life. How does adultery begin to suggest itself to an unguarded heart? Let me suggest three catalysts that lead to this sinful act.
The first is selfishness. Too often people go into a marriage selfishly expecting their spouse to meet all their needs. This is seen in the way that people tend to define love. Some say that love is based on passion: “I’m empty without you, but if we get married I’ll be fulfilled and satisfied.” Others say love is based on need: “I need you and I’ll never make it if I don’t have you.” Both of these definitions of love are selfish and immature. When, after a few years, the passion changes - as it inevitably does - they simply begin looking elsewhere for their “needs” to be met.
Biblical love - a love that will enable you to steer clear of adultery - is based on a firm commitment not to your needs but rather to your spouse’s needs. The whole purpose of this kind of love is to serve, satisfy, and fulfill the person to whom you’ve committed your life. One of the chief lies is that love is a “feeling.” That is a selfish concept. Love is not a feeling. It’s an act of the will. It may certainly produce wonderful feelings - as do many other of God’s blessings in our lives. But genuine love is a selfless commitment to the other person no matter how you feel. If you want to avoid the pain of adultery in your life commit yourself to meeting your spouses needs and not your own. Grow up and avoid selfishness.
A second catalyst for adultery is unrealistic expectations. We often put unrealistic pressure on our spouses by believing that they are the ones who are going to satisfy us, fulfill us, and meet every need that we have. There is no man or woman in the world who can fill all the empty places in your heart. Don’t expect your wife or husband to do what only God can do. To do so is to invite problems into any relationship.
A third thing that often leads to adultery is a lack of nurture. At the marriage alter brides and grooms make a commitment to love and
cherish one another. If they don’t follow through on this both marriage partners suffer. When they do both benefit.
Nurturing the needs of your spouse takes a lot of work, but it is worth it. As Christians we must remember that putting the needs of our spouse
before our own needs is following Jesus’ example.
Now...what if you have broken this rule? What if you have ignored God’s fence around this sin? What can you do if you have
failed in this area? First, make a decision to repent and confess your sin to the Lord. Agree with him that what you have
done is wrong. Remember, repent means to change course...to admit you are headed in the wrong direction...to turn and follow God’s route.
Say, “Lord, I’m going to turn from this right now - while it is still just something in my mind and my emotions. By the power of your Spirit, put these things in me to death!”
Secondly accept God’s forgiveness. Remember no sin is greater than Christ’s sacrifice. He forgave the woman caught
in adultery and if you ask him, he will forgive you as well.
Third, end the relationship now. Remove any source of temptation that might weaken your exclusive relationship with your spouse. Not tomorrow. Not a week from now. Now. The only way to end it is to end it. No more conversations, no more phone calls, no more meetings. None. It’s over. Make the decision now. “Lord, thank you for changing me and cleansing me. This thing is over.”
Finally, thank God. Praise him for his mercy and for delivering you. Walk forth believing that by the power of God’s Spirit God can heal you, your spouse, and your marriage.
Maybe I’m speaking to someone who says this message doesn’t apply to me. I’ve never committed adultery and never will. Watch out. No one is above falling to this temptation given the right set of circumstances. Just remember, for a happy marriage you don’t need a lot of things. Money and the things that money can buy are good to have but can be done without. But you to maintain a strong marriage there are two things which must always exist. First, you must maintain a solid affection for each other, a love for each other that is entirely different from the love for anyone else. Second, you must cultivate complete trust in each other. Adultery destroys both.
There are so many scenes in the media today depicting adultery as somehow glamorous and thrilling. There are so many voices today saying, “Go ahead. It’s OK. Nobody will know. It won’t hurt.” But it is not OK. It does hurt, and as experience has shown time and time again, the consequences can be devastating.
Do you want to know what is thrilling? What is thrilling is to see a marriage that has lasted the years, weathered the temptations, and remained strong because both partners remained faithful to each other. What is thrilling is to see a life-long bond develop between two people, an atmosphere created where two people can trust each other completely. Such a relationship is not easy to create, is not easy to maintain, and is worth everything to protect. Faithfulness carries its own rewards.
Maybe I’m speaking to someone this morning who is already guilty of adultery against your spouse, whether mental, emotional, or physical. If so, you need to seek God’s forgiveness. Friends, God’s grace, his ability to forgive, cleanse and restore, is greater than any sin that we might commit. He is willing to forgive. In 1 Cor. 6:9-11, Paul said,
“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers... will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
They had been forgiven, and you can be as well.
Be aware, however, that forgiveness does not always end the pain. If you have committed adultery, you may seek and find forgiveness - if you truly repent - but the pain may continue for your spouse and children and for yourself. Seek reconciliation, but if that is not possible then seek to ease the other’s pain in any way possible.
Maybe I am speaking to someone who has experienced the pain of adultery because you were the one that was cheated on. Know that God can heal your pain. God can even heal your marriage, but only if you are willing to forgive both your spouse and the person that they were with. If God can forgive them, he can help you do the same. Only when you yield yourself to God’s love will you be able to again give love. However, if in order to ease your pain you need to move on, know that God will not abandon you and can guide your path into a better future. You may not be able to trust your spouse, but never stop trusting God!
There are few agonies in this life that are as deep and lasting as those that come from adultery. There is an incredible sense of betrayal, shame, hurt, and anger. Never forget, however, that God cares for you, and can heal both you and your marriage. God can truly make all things new again.
Friends, stay behind the fence of God’s commandments. Amen
